Jay’s Guide to Pumpkin Carving

(updated)

I've never actually been to a real pumpkin patch, only the whole sale distribution centers that sling them to the public from someone's front yard or at a semi-busy intersection. Sometimes they’re set up in a wayward parking lot where a Fashion Bug or Fashion Bug Plus once flourished. That same spot will be used the day after Halloween is over for the 'Christmas Tree Blow-Out Extravaganza'. I asked Comagirl Sam about pumpkin patches and she informed me of the correct behavior one would display at a pumpkin patch. It in tales dressing warmly and frolicking amongst the many various shaped specimens in a search of the perfect match to your personality. That idea got me thinking of pumpkins and pumpkin carving. Once I thought about it for a short while I realized there was a rhyme to my reason when it came to pumpkin related events in my life. I realized I always look for the weirdest looking pumpkin I can find. I like the long skinny ones or the oblong squished ones. In fact the weirder the better. I'm just not a fan of the round ones so much. I'm too much of a germaphobe to like the ones with the weird tumorous growths on them. You know what I'm talking about right; they’re usually like greenish in color and bubbly or pock marked... You'd think you could use that in making a more grotesque and monstrous display, like your pumpkin is crying out in anguish at his unfortunate skin circumstances, but I'll stick to the oddities of geometry for the purposes of this blog.

My favorite design is this: One HUGE round eye, one small round eye (sometimes with strait edge on top to imply anger or fear) and stitches for mouth. This guy has had his mouth stitched up and can now only express himself with wild and exaggerated eye movements. I also enjoy the wide open mouth from time to time. This is great if you have a really big (and hopefully terribly misshapen) pumpkin. Then you can even set a smaller pumpkin with a totally distraught and terrified look, half way into the mouth opening of the larger. This set up is sure to please the kids. "Look mom that huge one is eating the small one!" (What a great metaphor for society). With a simple scene set up like that, you're single handedly entertaining the youth (who will then think your great and not TP your house when they are teenagers), and being snarky enough that the adults will appreciate your wit.

Pumpkins with one side dangerously out of shape, or even flattened completely are great for scenes too. Use their oddity to your advantage. Make one cheek of the pumpkin the flat side like he is getting punched in the face or hit by a bus. You can use a Barbie Corevette and set up a horrific drunk driving crash scene. Any normal blonde Barbie will work great as a Paris Hilton or some tramp from The Hills, they’re all the same. I mean its Halloween its okay to be twisted. Try carving an open mouth and let the pumpkin insides come out of it like he's puking. I call that the Frat-guy pumpkin. Add a small Golden Tee game behind him and 4 more pumpkins with baseball hats on and you've got your self a fantastic ‘Any Lincoln Park Bar’ scene

In fact, let’s look at some more scenes we can set up in what I like to call:

Jay's Multiple Pumpkin set up ideas:

1. Get one very angry looking pumpkin and put him up on a box of some kind, maybe set up a microphone made out of a Cattail or some corn husks. Then, surround him with a half dozen or more smaller pumpkins like they are listening to his fiery and charismatic speech. (add tape recorded crowd cheers every 48 seconds for effect).

2. I've always enjoyed the idea of 2 mad scientist pumpkins operating on another pumpkin. You can open the ‘patient’ pumpkin up too; don't be afraid to get wild and gross with it. Leave some of the gross pumpkin innards coming out of the surgical opening like they are butchering the poor patient. And don't forget to put surgical masks on the 2 mad doctor pumpkins. And one surgeon needs that round thing doctors wear on their forehead, you can use a soup can lid for that.

3. Pumpkin Reenactments... Set up your pumpkins in famous historical or pop culture situations. Try:

- Storming the beaches of Normandy on D-Day - (Note: this requires anywhere from 20 to 137 pumpkins so plan this one with friends and neighbors unless you own your own pumpkin patch and/or have access to untold numbers of them)
- Salem Witch Trials - few girl pumpkins swing from ropes while townspeople pumpkins look on in shame and fear. (You can make those funny hats they wore with cloth table napkins).
- The moon landing. One small step for pumpkins, one giant leap for vegetables... (Make a flag with a carrot on it or something cute like that). Tin foil covered boxes make great Moon-lander ships

Great Movie Reenactments...
- The court seen in A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson is berating Tom Cruize "... But deep down inside of places you don't talk about at cocktail parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall!" (Don't forget a 'cute as a button' Demi Moore pumpkin behind a table watching intently).
- 2 pumpkins with scarves on in a Barbie Corvette going over the edge of your porch like the last scene of Thelma and Louise.
- 2 pumpkins with bras on their heads making a hotass girl pumpkin like in Weird Science. Hook up electrodes to the hotass pumpkin and give her huge puffy Kelly Labrock lips (don't hate her cus she's beautiful).

Or some music related set ups:
- Janet Jackson pumpkin exposing herself to a Justin Timberlake pumpkin on national T.V. (try and add angry soccer mom pumpkins calling their state representatives and complaining about the state of pumpkin society)
- Try and find some really bland put perfectly shaped pumpkins and give them all head set microphones. POW. Pussycat Doll Pumpkins You’ll need to have some really talentless pumpkins; you may have to ask the sale guys for help, usually the talentless pumpkins grow right in the front of the pumpkin patch).
- Bono Pumpkin. I'm not 100% sure how to do this but it’s worth a shot. I'd go for the sweet 80's Mullet Bono pumpkin look, possibly saving Africa by meeting with heads of state pumpkins around a oval (not square) table.
- Bigge Smalls and 2-Pak pumpkins. Maybe a pumpkin with MC Hammer pants on hanging around too.

Well I hope this helps, Halloween is right about the corner so get to work. Let me know if any of these work for you, send pictures if you get a really sweet set up done.