Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
After we collectively popped the circuit yesterday by running all of our personal heaters at our cubes, and thusly angering the Building Overlords of Doom. Resistance was put up in the form of ignoring their thunderous decrees outlawing all use of any personal electrical life-support systems... Battles ensued; many lives were lost as entire floors fell victim to deep freeze. Corpses sat suspended in mid fax or clutched together around a flickering screen smiling over hilarious cat video on the YouTubes, waiting for the icy hand of death to overtake their forsaken souls… Some poor sap in Accounts Receivable stapled himself to the heat-duct in a vain attempt to absorb the meager warmth allotted to the office peasantry. But in the end, the working class was victorious. They lit their office chairs ablaze and danced a snakey and rather uncomfortable looking jig of defiance… There was to be capitulation… Order would be restored… Today is the first day since 1000 moons pass that I haven't obtained frostbite from merely sitting at my desk working. I gaze out the window now with thoughts of those fallen, and the days of yore when spring was at hand and girls on the street didn’t look like Glow-worms.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
It was nice visiting those memories last night. Nice to see my uncle again in the health we all want to be remembered in.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The only thing that sucks about this photo is that Bud Light is gross, which leads me to believe that the genius behind the creation of this photo may not be as amazing as I want him/her to be.
Everything else here screams: This is how I want to live my life.
Now some of you might be thinking: “Jay, as long as I’ve known you all I have ever seen you drink is cheap/shitty watered down domestic beer, how is Bud Light any different than Coors Light or Miller Lite. What gives with the sudden and illogical snobbieness?”
Try and stay with me here… Our brains work and learn through association. At a very young age, maybe before you even remember, you touched something really hot and was like “damn, I won’t be doing that anymore”. Same can be said for countless other events; pulling on a dogs tail, poking a bee hive with a stick, stealing money from your moms purse for Star Wars action figures… you know life lesions like that. Somewhere along the line we form habits and rituals that define our personalities and all its inherent quirks.
First of all you have to consider I grew up in Michigan and we’re cheap beer swilling machines up there. The only real distinction I remember having to make was between super cheap shitty beer (Busch Light, Natural Light, Milwaukee’s Best, Ham’s), regular shitty beer (The above mentioned plus Michelob Light) and the slightly stronger (I use that term loosely) shitty beers (all the “Ice” beers, Corona, MGD and Rolling Rock). In college there were a few snobby beer drinking dudes at parties, I’m sure you know the type: Wearing a Sigma pullover drinking Fat Tire and telling you how amazing Phish is. Whatever though, this was just never on my radar, I just didn’t care, the jokes and the good times with friends was more the point. It was only when the close correlation between Bud Light and the “NASCAR fan” or “super drunk frat dude” - both of whom enjoy fighting more and more as the Bud Light flows freer and freer through them - started to come to light that I made the connection. This was only further reinforced living near Wriggly Field as I’ve done since 2005. I guess there is just something inside of me that says Bud Light = Someone that thinks I’m gay and wants to punch me for it… So alas, that little otter being completely cute and utterly amazing can be forgiven for having an owner/friend/photographer/zoologist that has not had the same life experience I’ve had… *sigh* I thought we’d all get along so well too.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The building I work in added like 6 new fob locked doors all throughout the floor I work on. Next to each door is a small metal in-table sized desk. Common assumption would be that a civilized person could use the desk to place their coffee or laptop down while they fumbled for their key-fob to open the door. Even though everyone knows I hate action movies I’ve seen enough of them for my brain to think that the real reason each door has a desk next to it is for me to have something to hurl thru the glass window that frames each locked door in an emergency type situation.
Using them to wedge the door shut after me in the event I’m being chased by a homicidal undead monster, 37 minionous thugs with uzis and walkie-talkies, or no less than 19 police officers will never work because of the glass window frame I just spoke of. That and the in-human strength homicidal undead monsters possess wouldn’t save me any time at all, and in fact would only allow the antagonists to catch up to me faster. That last part is more horror movie learning’s than action films but that’s neither here nor there.
I plan on just leaping from the high rise I work in onto/into the one across the street if anything crazy happens over here anyway. Matt Damon is probably a lot stronger than I am and slightly taller but that’s just more weight he has to launch across the gap between buildings, and I should be able to harness my “flying squirrel-like” frailness to glide most of the way between buildings. It’s windy as shit here in Chicago anyway.