(pictured above: The Super Bishop)
My co-workers have been borrowing my Chess board to play at lunch a lot lately. I haven’t thought about chess in a while, every since Dimitri left I haven’t played at all (single tear runs down cheek).
It got me thinking of my childhood… In the 4th grade we were forced to learn to play chess, every single student in Mrs Garable’s Kick-Ass 4th Grade Class. (That’s what we named the class that year… well, that’s what I and my friend Steve Zyke named it at least). Each day during study time 8 children were selected to go to the back of the class and fire up a game on 1 of the classes 4 chess boards. Being that I was a kid already obsessed with war and all manors of armed conflict I took to chess with great zeal. In fact like most things I’m really into (drums, outer space, dinosaurs, beef jerky, etc.), I went over board with my affectations; drawing knights and castles all over my notebooks, mapping out strategic moves and ideas, reading books about the historical significance of the game, etc. etc.
My point is that for a short time I became overly involved in the game of chess and I waited restlessly everyday for the afternoon ‘study time’ to approach so I could get picked and play chess instead of work on my grammar and spelling words. Now I know that chess is good for the budding young mind. Chess players are known for being great problem solvers and free thinkers. Complex multi-faceted problems like: ‘2 trains leaving from the train station going different directions at different speeds with varying weight in cargo’, are a breeze for chess players. But I spent an exorbitant amount of my 4th grade life thinking and playing and thinking about playing chess, and not much else.
So I’m just going to say it… The reason I can’t spell is because I was too preoccupied with playing chess to work on my spelling words okay. There it’s out and I feel better now. Dani and Chrispy and Dan Schindler and Mandy and all my high school teachers and my sister and a whole bunch of other people who love to point out my spelling errors but I can’t remember who you are at this moment, can all just deal with that! It’s not my fault I spell like a 3rd grader, that’s as far as I got okay…
Consequently in this current atmosphere of super-hero/vampire movie pop culture, I decided to make a few much needed updates to the age old game of Chess to better reflect the concept that destroying an apposing army or foe does not necessarily require a superior force lead by a charismatic leader anymore. All you really need is some special effects and an audience that is willing to believe it. So jot these updates down and dazzle the fuk out of the next poor sap you wail on at chess this coming holiday season.
The Super Bishop – This is when you stack your bishop on top of your rook to create a Super Killing Machine. The Super Bishop moves in concentric circles, like a shock wave from a blast point, wiping out all juxtaposed pieces, both adversarial and friendly, without conscience. Think of this guy as your own personal Richard M. Nixon… carpet bombing the Viet Cong has never been seen before in the chess world until now.
The Knight Rider – You’ll need some tape or glue for this one, any household-grade adhesive will work. Tape/glue one pawn to the back of your horse like he’s the horses ‘rider’. Once you have that done this new piece moves in a full square. Like the normal L-shape that the knight usually moves but now doubling back to one square over from where he started. (So the rider can sleep at home at night, he’s not into camping and horses are smelly, who wants to sleep outside next to that thing snorting and chewing grass and stuff all night, gross). The beauty of this piece is that when you get killed you now actually have 2 lives. At the first strike, you lose your rider, then on your second strike you die for real. (As in your piece is removed from the board). Think of Yoshi in Super Mario World… when you get hit you pop out the top of Yoshi and he goes all whilly-nilly back and forth with no stirring and you have to try to catch him to get back in the saddle. Same idea, after your rider gets taken off, your horse goes buck-wild (literally, if that is what you call wild horses) and starts to take out pieces all around him until he’s either killed again by your opponent or is mercifully shot in the head by your queen.
The Snake – This requires purchasing a pack of rubber or plastic snakes from the ‘kids isle’ at Walgreens. Don’t tell your opponent about this one before you start playing. When you get a pawn across the board to your opponent’s side, instead of trading up for one of your taken pieces, you replace your pawn with a plastic snake and make a hissing sound. This means that you now get 2 moves in a row and when you bite your opponents piece that piece becomes infected with your venom and becomes one of YOUR pieces. Totally sweet! (Have a permanent marker handy as well so you can quickly color the piece to whatever color your team is). This will strike fear into the heart of your opponent and if they happen to be a mathematician from the former Soviet Union they could possibly accuse you of being KGB and swallow a cyanide pill ending the game and making an awful mess on the rug.
On a final note, gather up whatever figurines you may have around before you play your next game of chess and create an audience. (Stacks of books make great bleachers for stadium seating and a better view of the battle). Having an audience watching creates more of an urgency to do well and not make mistakes. It puts pressure on your opponent and makes them self conscious. They’ll think their intelligence is being judged by you and your collection of bobble-head Michael Jordans. Any edge is a good edge in the cutthroat world of chess.
Have fun…
Bombs away Millhouse!
