The Beer Otter - The Internet being number 1

The only thing that sucks about this photo is that Bud Light is gross, which leads me to believe that the genius behind the creation of this photo may not be as amazing as I want him/her to be.

Everything else here screams: This is how I want to live my life.

Now some of you might be thinking: “Jay, as long as I’ve known you all I have ever seen you drink is cheap/shitty watered down domestic beer, how is Bud Light any different than Coors Light or Miller Lite. What gives with the sudden and illogical snobbieness?”

Try and stay with me here… Our brains work and learn through association. At a very young age, maybe before you even remember, you touched something really hot and was like “damn, I won’t be doing that anymore”. Same can be said for countless other events; pulling on a dogs tail, poking a bee hive with a stick, stealing money from your moms purse for Star Wars action figures… you know life lesions like that. Somewhere along the line we form habits and rituals that define our personalities and all its inherent quirks.

First of all you have to consider I grew up in Michigan and we’re cheap beer swilling machines up there. The only real distinction I remember having to make was between super cheap shitty beer (Busch Light, Natural Light, Milwaukee’s Best, Ham’s), regular shitty beer (The above mentioned plus Michelob Light) and the slightly stronger (I use that term loosely) shitty beers (all the “Ice” beers, Corona, MGD and Rolling Rock). In college there were a few snobby beer drinking dudes at parties, I’m sure you know the type: Wearing a Sigma pullover drinking Fat Tire and telling you how amazing Phish is. Whatever though, this was just never on my radar, I just didn’t care, the jokes and the good times with friends was more the point. It was only when the close correlation between Bud Light and the “NASCAR fan” or “super drunk frat dude” - both of whom enjoy fighting more and more as the Bud Light flows freer and freer through them - started to come to light that I made the connection. This was only further reinforced living near Wriggly Field as I’ve done since 2005. I guess there is just something inside of me that says Bud Light = Someone that thinks I’m gay and wants to punch me for it… So alas, that little otter being completely cute and utterly amazing can be forgiven for having an owner/friend/photographer/zoologist that has not had the same life experience I’ve had… *sigh* I thought we’d all get along so well too.

New Doors at Work

The building I work in added like 6 new fob locked doors all throughout the floor I work on. Next to each door is a small metal in-table sized desk. Common assumption would be that a civilized person could use the desk to place their coffee or laptop down while they fumbled for their key-fob to open the door. Even though everyone knows I hate action movies I’ve seen enough of them for my brain to think that the real reason each door has a desk next to it is for me to have something to hurl thru the glass window that frames each locked door in an emergency type situation.

Using them to wedge the door shut after me in the event I’m being chased by a homicidal undead monster, 37 minionous thugs with uzis and walkie-talkies, or no less than 19 police officers will never work because of the glass window frame I just spoke of. That and the in-human strength homicidal undead monsters possess wouldn’t save me any time at all, and in fact would only allow the antagonists to catch up to me faster. That last part is more horror movie learning’s than action films but that’s neither here nor there.

I plan on just leaping from the high rise I work in onto/into the one across the street if anything crazy happens over here anyway. Matt Damon is probably a lot stronger than I am and slightly taller but that’s just more weight he has to launch across the gap between buildings, and I should be able to harness my “flying squirrel-like” frailness to glide most of the way between buildings. It’s windy as shit here in Chicago anyway.

TV Shows

Here are my thoughts on some TV shows I never watch but make me feel uneasy whenever the commercial comes on for them:

Undercover Boss – Hey employees, the new guy with the fake mustache who looks really awkward in your cheap work hats and has all the camera’s following him around is the CEO. Pretend like you care about your job.

Intervention – Drug addicts, no one on Earth does “Documentaries about addiction” okay. I thought all you guys did was lay around and watch TV, you have to have seen this one coming. You’re about to get “Interventioned” so down all your stash now while you still can!

Duggars – Fuk you people, just fuk you. You are why everyone else hates Americans.

Badgirls Club – (See my thoughts on those assholes with 30 kids, the exact same thing applies to you).

Ice, Swamp or Hillbilly Truckers/Loggers/Fisherman/People – You win, you’re tougher than every other human on the planet, good job with that.

All Cake making bosses or people – I know how amazing you must feel that in the past few years you’ve gotten all this attention from America. But it’s more because we’ve become zombies that hate our lives so much we don’t mind just mindlessly watching some other asshole fight with people they work with. It makes us feel better to see you blow your top and look like a fool on TV, but I want you to know that there isn’t anything about making cakes that makes you amazing. You make cakes, people eat cake, done. That’s all there is, just know that okay.

Terranova – Umm… losers, why don’t you just go to a time period in Earths 5 billion year history that didn’t have gigantic man eating creatures everywhere? How about the Devonian period? The high oxygen content would have allowed you to run faster and have more energy, and there was no large land animals to eat you yet, isn’t that nice? Or maybe the Eocene, yeah there were some dangerous carnivores but mammals have larger frontal cortexs so they’d understand fear a little better and you could scare them off with your futureish automatic rifles and ability to make fire. p.s. You suck.

Toddlers in Tiaras – Everyone already hates you, I shouldn’t rub it in any further.

Anything Trump is attached to – The reason why I know there is no God is because you are who you are. There is no justice in the universe, we’re all just random collections of molecules interacting for a short time before we dissolve away back into the elements that made us. If there was any more to it, you’d not be in the position you are currently in.

Retro This...

I think nostalgia is good for your soul. People that claim that it is just living in the past are usually the people that didn’t enjoy anything about growing up and who only enjoy life now because something was handed to them. If it makes someone in their 30’s happy to watch Thundercats on the internet I say more power to them. If my boss wanted to have a Flock of Seagulls hair style I’d still respect her for her position. Retro is warm and who doesn't like to be warm? Chicago is a frozen tundra 80% of the year, Brian Adams guitar riffs and girls with the neck cut out of their sweatshirt so it hangs off their shoulder make me smile... we could all use more of that.

Different kinds of Chicago CTA Buses:

1. Stinky Bus – This is the bus in June thru Aug

2. Influenza Bus – This is bus rest of year

3. Horse Nostril Bus – This is bus when it’s raining and the windows are all fogged up with condensation from people breathing too much

4. WinterMint Bus – Bus when homeless guy is drinking Scope to get drunk, this one is pleasant actually

5. The North Face Bus – This is the Clark bus, can also be called: Angry Birds, iPad or the Trust Fund Bus.

6. Sardines Bus – This is the bus that someone is eating sardines on. (not what you thought I was going to say huh, hahah gotcha).

7. McDonalds Bus - This is the bus someone is eating McDonalds on and even though you have a personal embargo on eating things that will kill you, you smell the French fries and then feel shameful that you want to eat them so badly...

8. Sports Bus - This is the bus that everyone on is going to the sports game and you are not. You are like Rudolf the red nosed reindeer and not invited... or basically like my elementary school experience in gym class

9. Pee Bus - This is the bus when # 4 has drank too much Scope or #8 and his buddies have done to many shotguns of Coors Lite and well you know what happens... it starts small and then gets bigger and bigger down one or both legs...

I think I captured what I thought was a perfect ideal of what I wanted you to be but there is no where else that love like that can exist then cerebrally. Reality is much to fake for that sort of conviction. That is the only statement that can make “It’s not you, it’s me” mean anything more then you just being a complete fraud and a coward.